lord lucan is missing.

and now there is just a space...

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 04:13:01 GMT

it's odd how the weather keeps changing on and off like this. new york city i think has a mind of its own, especially when it's so hard to determine the weather. it's 61 one day, and tomorrow it's supposed to be 80, how confusing. it's almost too much to think that fall is coming, and that soon enough 2008 will be here. god, how disgusting. should i feel unaccomplished, or should i feel like i am moving in the right direction? why i keep questioning what i am doing. who knows, i am 23 and in new york city with no idea what i am doing. oh, wait the general consensus. that is everyone i believe, everyone that isn't making enough money.

movies i have watched this week while hiding out in my room:

-hitchhiker's guide to the galaxy
-fargo
-eyes wide shut
-evil dead
-high tension
-in the cut
-i heart huckabees
-serenity
-resident evil
-full metal jacket
-the stepford wives

i think i have become more accustom to staying inside. i apologize to anyone that attempts to get me out, but when i'm not feeling too social, i apologize if either way, it's just one of those moments i need to go on.

crap.

the tingling inside was gone.

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 19:40:48 GMT

i really don't remember if i was smiling, but then again, i hate how i cannot smile (with teeth).
i have another headache for obvious reasons.

for am i delayed.

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 03:50:12 GMT

months tend to go by without noticing anything important really going on.

one thing i learned about living in new york city, is the complete inconsistency about it all. i just turned 23 a few weeks ago, and without some selfish realization, i still feel the same, i feel the same in 2006, 2005, and 2004. i feel the same in the sense that i haven't moved forward.

tomorrow will the eighth month of insanity, it has been one rollercoaster ride of emotions, but i obviously know what i deal with, and how i handle my emotions. not that well. i have been overpowered, and showed things and felt thing that threw me to the kitchen floor crying on my knees. at least i know i feel certain things, harder than others.

you know that feeling of wanting, of yearning? remember the smells, the songs, the mixes hidden on your ipod for the ride home, the words, the lying in the laps, the PDA, the slow dances in the kitchen, the brunch, the moment of letting go at the bus station, the calls five minute later saying "i miss you so much". it's there. personally, i know i have put myself through a lot, a lot i didn't have to. i wanted something so bad, i tried this hard to get it. i tried moving to new york city to want a thing, a thing that could not been seen, only felt by me. i have felt it for years, almost four years. and you know when one thing ends, you feel like it's the end of the world, being heartbroken is the worst feeling i have been exposed to. being alone in bed, and alone everywhere, you can't find it because it's only in one place, and i couldn't reach it, and i strived.

i wonder why i am using the past tense. i am madly in love with someone. such a sick love, it has wrecked me. i know because of this it has disabled my senses, and my emotions have run amuck. i don't let anyone see me cry anymore. i cry to myself, to bang my fists against the bed, and ask why, and just lie there in shock wondering how long i was crying for. my glasses covered in dried up tears, all that came out of me, and i do it again and again. i would always want it forever, i couldn't stop thinking about it, it was sick love. that's the good one though, staying with you all the time.

i don't know anymore than anyone else. i don't know why i keep crying over this thing. it's not an idea that i am crying for. it's the real love i had that i yearn back, and when certain people have expressed interest in me, i have turned them away, i don't know why, i was alone then, someone said they wanted to spend time with me, and i said no because i don't mind the wait. "oh my love, you are worth the wait" i used to write on letters, and not wanting to send them out because i didn't think it was real. it was happening, i just relive it.

what is the meaning of "the one?" someone should tell me. i don't like to think there is more than one person out there in the world for us, that would make it even more difficult. everyone putting themselves through the same situations. crying for each other, loving each other, and then losing it forever. i said it, and it was said to me, but how should i take it? there is no compliance in it. i am willing to say i was holding out for the solace in it, and i read things over, i dwell, i dream, i nightmare, thinking it will happen again. don't say i'm obsessed, or possessive about certain things. i am not holding on to be pathetic, i am holding on as a choice because if it was there for a reason, then it must have been real.

(i really think moving to chicago, looking back still, on it was a bad idea at the time. i shouldn't feel sorry or feel guilty about going for those 20 days, but i feel like i had something to do with the end of the relationship, and like i said i shouldn't feel like it was my fault, i just lost touch there in december for awhile, it was a lot to take in)

but both must feel how real it is, or maybe i would wait forever? that would make me crazy, obviously. maybe it is truly over, maybe it's found itself into the arms of another, it's there, it's happening you fail to recognize , you fail to accept or you are failed to be alerted or whatever so, and i'm fighting a losing battle without knowing better, and not knowing that certain words are actually to "take a hint, and take a hike." when calls are returned, how my mind wanders, things that hurt to think about whether they are actually happening, or not, just because i am thinking them makes me upset. honestly, if i lost the chance to someone else, it's been such a long time, that there is literally nothing i can do, except get more upset? and what good is that going to do. i will only try not to make my mind wander off again and again, and try to find out what the hell is going on. is it time to finally come to a close, for myself? or let someone else tell me it's okay to go away because there will be no hard feelings. agreeing with a hard decision makes it hurt more, that is why i do not like to hear things like that. i just hope it will be possible for someone to love me unconditionally and make me feel the same way i did, or how i feel now, someone to tell this apart from everything else, and tell me it'll be alright, "i'm always here for you, forever and always."

i miss the security, too. i suppose.

"are you obsessed?"
"things change" (unfortunately)

everyone has been telling me this. and of course, things change. but why, when there is no explanation, no connection to the the climax, to the problem. you are going to be hanging around there, in some disembodied state, wondering what has happened. you will just stay in that moment of how things never changed. you will take hits, advice, and all things negative and be stubborn. i know i have made accusations in the past, and i suppose my reason behind it is because how i felt, how hung up on everything i was, and the idea of you being someone else, well literally ripped me apart, i never felt such pain before, such grief. but it's okay, if you are in love, it's okay to feel like it'll be okay, or as if the world has crashed around you. it's okay to give up things for love, it's always love, it's the one thing that has made me feel alive, happy and entirely sad as i have been. i can believe lies, i cannot believe the truth, or the other way around. I assume what is better for me, is just do what is best for me. i only feel cast aside because I watched a similiar thing happen that I believe is happening to me, I am otherwise told not. Situations are hard to believe at times.

.to beat a dead horse.

secrets don't mean anything, i have no reason to say otherwise. yes, i am single, and yes, i am madly in love. be disgusted with me, and if you know about what has happened with me, be upset with me, because you are probably calling me a broken record behind my back, see i don't care, and it's fine, shit happens obviously. i can't believe i almost broke down and told my mother everything, what a scene that would have been. shows you how much this has actually affected me. how odd. not really.

make a long story short, i have a terrible chest cold, my ears are plugged, and i have this pounding headache.

if i made ..you cry in the past, i am sorry.
if i made ..you feel inadequate, i am sorry.
you know how much you mean to me and beyond.
you know how much i love you with every inch of my soul.
you know i still think you are the one for me and how much i want you back.
but if you ever felt as if i pushed you away at all once, by now you should know that was never my intention.
my intention was to always keep you close, and live out those dorky things we spoke about.

but you are right, in a sense. things just change, but i hope people don't. feelings like this should not be acted, they should be embraced, that is why i worry daily it's gone.

talking about "lovey dovey" sometimes makes me cringe. be warned.

i am just spilling my guts, and not coming in terms with the past, and the present together. the present, more so, because i have to realize what has happened, and what will happen.

i am going to wonder if i will even get a response out of this from someone.

i like to think at times, it will be okay. and other time, i am hopeless, and then, it goes back to the way it was of being sad. i suppose you can't feel what i felt unless you come into my shoes, and see it for what it was.

it's okay to be sad, i am going to allow myself this. i am not ashamed, i am just coming to terms realizing what i got myself into. it took me eight months to feel this, if it takes another eight to understand, then i can do that. i am not going anywhere. if the love is truly gone and never return to me but only to someone else, and i'm doing this for some reason out of my own reach, i will see in time. there is no point to driving myself into the ground as much as i do to myself daily, but to ignore it, will ignore the love, the years, the hours i spent working up to the moment, i realized i am capable of loving you, and being in love with you.

i suppose that is it for now.

now it's raining...

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 17:57:50 GMT

you can stand under my umbrella. ella-ella-ay-ay...

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 16:02:54 GMT

finally got a computer.
give me the day to update.

see you soon.

you'll hear me pour my fucking heart out.

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 06:03:27 GMT

i am stil around, just haven't had internet access or time for the last billion years.

stick with me.

My Xmas Stocking

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 16:35:24 GMT

Xmas Stocking

leave a gift for killer_eyes

get your stocking

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 18:06:32 GMT

i will be back later to finally update. i had to put everything in order.
today feels good, even though its dreary out.

Thu, 10 Aug 2006 04:38:00 GMT

i'm still around, just trying to make some good choices. be back soon.

Wed, 19 Jul 2006 20:02:05 GMT

TODAY IS MY 22ND BIRTHDAY. WOO. WOO. SO OLD. STAY TUNED. THANKS Y'ALL!!

it was me on that road...

Wed, 28 Jun 2006 05:23:26 GMT

there has been so much disappointment lately.
it's really difficult to actually sepereate the good from the bad.
but i have a hard picking which goes where.
and when certain things come to an end,
like school years and most friendships...
and you see what keeps going on,
you either stay mad, forgive and forget, or just forget.

it's all one big fucked decision making process.

the summer is flying by.
super fast.
a lot is coming to an end.

but next year will be really good, i hope.

i am leaving a lot behind actually.
a lot of people,
failed attempts at reasoning with people, old friends.

i am leaving this public, because this is what i am feeling.
i'm going to play with my thumbs and pick at my nails and look down at my feet because i don't know any better.
and when i hear certain people develop into hypocrites, i shouldn't get mad, but i get livid.
i don't understand the reasoning of certain people i thought i knew.
i guess i don't.
my really good friend says to stay apathetic and just leave it be. leave them to their own devices.

isn't the point to understand the complexity?
yes, but it hasn't worked lately.
i'm not depressed about this, because it's life, it is bound to happen.
a lot of people will forget about me and vice versa.
i do have a lot of anger for certain people, but i might as well let it go because it's not worth it since some won't listen, and i'm just going to walk away and think about what was or what i thought was positive about it at some point.

this is my life at 1:19am.
organic lemonade.
lesbians on x playing.
and a bunch of graduation cards sitting in front of me.

that's life.

note: royskopp's "what else is there?" song and video are some of the most beautiful things i have seen and heard lately. listen to the song and watch the video below.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aTWzCnMv40M

make me happy.

Wed, 31 May 2006 04:56:14 GMT

having a great time in savannah!
love patrick and brad. good times. good weather.
great school!

i miss hagning out with all the important people: eli, kim, fred, cory, juliun. lindsay. yes, lindsay. catilin. sophia.
yup.
i don't miss certain people as well. the ones that hate you, but pretend to be cool with you. yeah. sweet.

so, i am basically going to be 22 soon, i am planning a small thing with some few people. only close friends, none of this huge party shit. fuck it.
i am so excited for the summer.

things are okay.

oh and i bought transamerica. live yr life. again.

do more often. . .

Mon, 15 May 2006 19:58:14 GMT

my three favourite hobbies as of now:

-sharpies
-using sharpies for everything
-packing things in boxes
-tapping boxes up and labeling them with sharpies
-wikipedia (the best thing ever)

oh by the way:

i graduated college.

thank you world.

Thu, 13 Apr 2006 13:17:01 GMT

keep it up in life at this rate, you will be even a bigger pile of shit.

she looks exactly like my daughter...why!

Thu, 06 Apr 2006 14:04:34 GMT

SILENT HILL

I have been ready for this movie for over a year.
16 days and counting, I am so excited. I even took off work.
Everything I have seen and heard so far, makes me impressed. GOD! AAAAAH!

SOOOO. WHO ELSE IS STOKEDXHARDCORE?

open me up any way you wish. . .

Wed, 05 Apr 2006 01:18:59 GMT

well, i have come to the conclusion that homework is mighty stressful and after four years of it, i am pretty exhausted of the whole writing, spending long hours in the library sort of thing. i think this may be another reason of mine for wanting to dive into the art scene completely because the hands on component is pretty much what i love about it the most then the rest of reading 400 pages in a whole week, no yeah, can pretty much suck the rest of life out of you. damn complete useless degrees. i think that my degree is useless at this point, that is very discouraging.

i have an english paper that has to be eight to ten pages on the ideal city emphasized in virginia woolf's "Mrs. Dalloway." Piece of cake.

i have an 4-5 paper due in art history in a week on the painting "Judith slaying Holofernes." Not bad at all. I have some screen printing I did for that class, I will post that actually soon.

i have figured out the top priority in everything right now with everything after school, here it is as follows:

1. Savannah College of Art and Design (if I get more than 10,000+ in scholarship)
2. SUNY Purchase (if I can afford it, and get in since the screen printing program is "highly selective")
3. Stay here at UB and finish my Print-making degree/Move to Chicago with KIm (those have come into a tie, since I am seriously conflicted about what exactly I want to do...I have my reasons, a few of you know why...)

I should go over to the library now, actually. grab some books.

oh yes, here is much silas is awesome...

the end!

friends only. new livejournal.

Mon, 12 Jan 2004 07:01:04 GMT

old journal: blackboxboi