months tend to go by without noticing anything important really going on.
one thing i learned about living in new york city, is the complete inconsistency about it all. i just turned 23 a few weeks ago, and without some selfish realization, i still feel the same, i feel the same in 2006, 2005, and 2004. i feel the same in the sense that i haven't moved forward.
tomorrow will the eighth month of insanity, it has been one rollercoaster ride of emotions, but i obviously know what i deal with, and how i handle my emotions. not that well. i have been overpowered, and showed things and felt thing that threw me to the kitchen floor crying on my knees. at least i know i feel certain things, harder than others.
you know that feeling of wanting, of yearning? remember the smells, the songs, the mixes hidden on your ipod for the ride home, the words, the lying in the laps, the PDA, the slow dances in the kitchen, the brunch, the moment of letting go at the bus station, the calls five minute later saying "i miss you so much". it's there. personally, i know i have put myself through a lot, a lot i didn't have to. i wanted something so bad, i tried this hard to get it. i tried moving to new york city to want a thing, a thing that could not been seen, only felt by me. i have felt it for years, almost four years. and you know when one thing ends, you feel like it's the end of the world, being heartbroken is the worst feeling i have been exposed to. being alone in bed, and alone everywhere, you can't find it because it's only in one place, and i couldn't reach it, and i strived.
i wonder why i am using the past tense. i am madly in love with someone. such a sick love, it has wrecked me. i know because of this it has disabled my senses, and my emotions have run amuck. i don't let anyone see me cry anymore. i cry to myself, to bang my fists against the bed, and ask why, and just lie there in shock wondering how long i was crying for. my glasses covered in dried up tears, all that came out of me, and i do it again and again. i would always want it forever, i couldn't stop thinking about it, it was sick love. that's the good one though, staying with you all the time.
i don't know anymore than anyone else. i don't know why i keep crying over this thing. it's not an idea that i am crying for. it's the real love i had that i yearn back, and when certain people have expressed interest in me, i have turned them away, i don't know why, i was alone then, someone said they wanted to spend time with me, and i said no because i don't mind the wait. "oh my love, you are worth the wait" i used to write on letters, and not wanting to send them out because i didn't think it was real. it was happening, i just relive it.
what is the meaning of "the one?" someone should tell me. i don't like to think there is more than one person out there in the world for us, that would make it even more difficult. everyone putting themselves through the same situations. crying for each other, loving each other, and then losing it forever. i said it, and it was said to me, but how should i take it? there is no compliance in it. i am willing to say i was holding out for the solace in it, and i read things over, i dwell, i dream, i nightmare, thinking it will happen again. don't say i'm obsessed, or possessive about certain things. i am not holding on to be pathetic, i am holding on as a choice because if it was there for a reason, then it must have been real.
(i really think moving to chicago, looking back still, on it was a bad idea at the time. i shouldn't feel sorry or feel guilty about going for those 20 days, but i feel like i had something to do with the end of the relationship, and like i said i shouldn't feel like it was my fault, i just lost touch there in december for awhile, it was a lot to take in)
but both must feel how real it is, or maybe i would wait forever? that would make me crazy, obviously. maybe it is truly over, maybe it's found itself into the arms of another, it's there, it's happening you fail to recognize , you fail to accept or you are failed to be alerted or whatever so, and i'm fighting a losing battle without knowing better, and not knowing that certain words are actually to "take a hint, and take a hike." when calls are returned, how my mind wanders, things that hurt to think about whether they are actually happening, or not, just because i am thinking them makes me upset. honestly, if i lost the chance to someone else, it's been such a long time, that there is literally nothing i can do, except get more upset? and what good is that going to do. i will only try not to make my mind wander off again and again, and try to find out what the hell is going on. is it time to finally come to a close, for myself? or let someone else tell me it's okay to go away because there will be no hard feelings. agreeing with a hard decision makes it hurt more, that is why i do not like to hear things like that. i just hope it will be possible for someone to love me unconditionally and make me feel the same way i did, or how i feel now, someone to tell this apart from everything else, and tell me it'll be alright, "i'm always here for you, forever and always."
i miss the security, too. i suppose.
"are you obsessed?"
"things change" (unfortunately)
everyone has been telling me this. and of course, things change. but why, when there is no explanation, no connection to the the climax, to the problem. you are going to be hanging around there, in some disembodied state, wondering what has happened. you will just stay in that moment of how things never changed. you will take hits, advice, and all things negative and be stubborn. i know i have made accusations in the past, and i suppose my reason behind it is because how i felt, how hung up on everything i was, and the idea of you being someone else, well literally ripped me apart, i never felt such pain before, such grief. but it's okay, if you are in love, it's okay to feel like it'll be okay, or as if the world has crashed around you. it's okay to give up things for love, it's always love, it's the one thing that has made me feel alive, happy and entirely sad as i have been. i can believe lies, i cannot believe the truth, or the other way around. I assume what is better for me, is just do what is best for me. i only feel cast aside because I watched a similiar thing happen that I believe is happening to me, I am otherwise told not. Situations are hard to believe at times.
.to beat a dead horse.
secrets don't mean anything, i have no reason to say otherwise. yes, i am single, and yes, i am madly in love. be disgusted with me, and if you know about what has happened with me, be upset with me, because you are probably calling me a broken record behind my back, see i don't care, and it's fine, shit happens obviously. i can't believe i almost broke down and told my mother everything, what a scene that would have been. shows you how much this has actually affected me. how odd. not really.
make a long story short, i have a terrible chest cold, my ears are plugged, and i have this pounding headache.
if i made ..you cry in the past, i am sorry.
if i made ..you feel inadequate, i am sorry.
you know how much you mean to me and beyond.
you know how much i love you with every inch of my soul.
you know i still think you are the one for me and how much i want you back.
but if you ever felt as if i pushed you away at all once, by now you should know that was never my intention.
my intention was to always keep you close, and live out those dorky things we spoke about.
but you are right, in a sense. things just change, but i hope people don't. feelings like this should not be acted, they should be embraced, that is why i worry daily it's gone.
talking about "lovey dovey" sometimes makes me cringe. be warned.
i am just spilling my guts, and not coming in terms with the past, and the present together. the present, more so, because i have to realize what has happened, and what will happen.
i am going to wonder if i will even get a response out of this from someone.
i like to think at times, it will be okay. and other time, i am hopeless, and then, it goes back to the way it was of being sad. i suppose you can't feel what i felt unless you come into my shoes, and see it for what it was.
it's okay to be sad, i am going to allow myself this. i am not ashamed, i am just coming to terms realizing what i got myself into. it took me eight months to feel this, if it takes another eight to understand, then i can do that. i am not going anywhere. if the love is truly gone and never return to me but only to someone else, and i'm doing this for some reason out of my own reach, i will see in time. there is no point to driving myself into the ground as much as i do to myself daily, but to ignore it, will ignore the love, the years, the hours i spent working up to the moment, i realized i am capable of loving you, and being in love with you.
i suppose that is it for now.